tattoo story #3-redeeming the ugly Twig of my past

All work done by Michael Facchini
at Blackhole Tattoo (West) in Beaverton,OR

 Not a day goes by (when it is warm enough for my leg to be on display) that there is not a comment about this piece. Often the comment is, "I don't like tattoos, but that one is BEAUTIFUL".Comments and compliments, normally often me a little uncomfortable, but I delight in that one. This tattoo is, as Valentine calls it, my plastic surgery.  It was meant to erase some of the pain I have felt about the way I have looked since junior high, and some of the physical "scars", and help me be less embarrassed about myself. Yes, that is shallow, yes it is vain, probably a bad example to young girls everywhere, and I don't recommend everyone get tattoos to cover areas, that they are embarrassed by, but, it's my blog and my story, so reserve judgement and take a walk down memory lane with me for a moment. Let's look at an ugly duckling of sorts, and channel your inner junior high student.

I was always the tallest kid in class, and silly as it may seem, that was difficult. Teachers complimented me on my clothes, because we shopped in the same department of the store. When my friends were still in osh kosh, I was shopping at the Limited. Pretty soon my legs were too long for the junior section too, as different lengths weren't yet widely available yet.This was also when everyone was pegging their pants (rolling and folding) making them even shorter. So I came up with my own fashions, shopped in women's clothing stores, and thus, stuck out even further. My principal, at our 5th grade graduation, said, "we have to promote her, she is taller than all of us now". Ouch! I know this could have been a lot worse, I didn't have to struggle with things like being disfigured, of a minority race, or differently abled, I was just freakishly tall at a young age. At the time to me though, it was huge, my brain couldn't fully grasp the concept of it being, not so bad.

As I grew taller, I got skinnier and skinnier and skinnier. For some that would be a dream come true, but for me it was awful. Guess what girls, skinny girls feel self conscious too.  I was a lanky, lumpy thing who was taller than all the boys, and all but one of the girls.  When I finally did get breasts, some in my own youth group told me I must be "stuffing" because I was too skinny to have them.  They referred to me as "twig"." Hold my hand so you don't blow away twig, it's windy". Don't worry, I was a smart ass and dished it right back, but inside I was suffering. I felt awkward, as we all do in junior high.  I felt like I stuck out in an ugly way. Guys my own age weren't interested in this girl that towered over them, I was a joke.  I related more to the older taller people, which led to a different sort of problems. I got the attention of much older guys, and some of my much older sister's friends, but I didn't fit there either. I felt like I didn't belong anywhere, and I am sure most everyone can relate to that. It's what the junior high experience is all about, and it's painful. You just want to fit in, to belong and yet you see all these things that you think make you a misfit.

There were lasting physical effects from growing so tall, so fast. I got spider veins, stretch marks, scoliosis and more, and yes I know I could have had it so much worse.  When I sat, I had a position that made me feel less conspicuous.  I crossed my legs, then twisted them around each other again, so my feet wouldn't stick out. I still have a tendency to sit like that today, but it only made the veins worse. The blue and purple veins were all over my legs before high school, and they only worsened later on in life. This leg was especially bad, and I hated wearing shorts forever, because of the veins. I looked at my leg and instantly felt ashamed, and insecure, and just like that person in junior high, even a decade later. I didn't want to have them removed with expensive painful surgery, but I wanted them gone.

For my 31st birthday, I went to our much beloved artist, and asked for a cherry blossom branch, and two birds (one for Valentine and one for me). I wanted a transformed twig. That small request turned into this amazing piece.  The male bird is beautiful, and the female is just ordinary.  I love that. She doesn't stick out as much, she almost blends in with the branch. She would just be one of many birds in a flock, just a face in the crowd. The branches fit my leg perfectly, and the flowers are incredible. It doesn't cover my veins, but you don't even notice them when you see my leg.

All work done by Michael Facchini
at Blackhole Tattoo (West) in Beaverton,OR

It is undeniably gorgeous, and it makes me feel the same way.  I don't see the ugly spider veins, or the horrible feelings of rejection, embarrassment and pain. The tattoo helped me see my beauty.  I know I am beautiful without it, but it took this to open my eyes to the rest of me.  I am not the tallest girl around anymore, far from it. I am grateful now for the height I have. When I do feel insecure about the way I look, I just have to look down at my leg. I still hate sticking out, which I know is ironic, because my tattoos make it easy to pick me out of a line up.  But now I get to choose the way I stick out, and I am proud of the things that make my appearance different. Living in Portland, I get to hide them a lot too. I can stick out for just a few weeks of sunshine, then go back to lots of layers of clothing and hide them all away.  There are still days, more than Val would like, when I bemoan my appearance, but thankfully, those days are fewer, and not nearly as crippling to me as they used to be. I can appreciate those parts of me now, and see the beauty and strength within. My fashion sense, my tattoos, these are all good things that came from those ugly duckling years, things I can be proud of, regardless of what other's think.

You might not agree with my appearance choices, but let's be honest you have things you do to make yourself comfortable and battle your ugly twig demons too. Tattoos may not be liked by everyone, but they can be very powerful, transformative and healing. Rather than detracting from natural beauty, they can help some of us appreciate the beauty that has always been there and the beauty within. We all feel ugly at times then and now. Media certainly doesn't help us feel better about ourselves, so we turn to other things. Makeup, hair stuff, clothing, even razors, help us change or enhance our appearance all the time, just like tattoos. They help us camouflage what we don't like and show off what we do. We create the look we want others to see, and hopefully it  helps give us confidence.  They help us express ourselves in ways we are comfortable with. What makes us feel comfortable though might not be stylish in the eyes of others. When we see someone whose appearance is offensive, weird, or unusual to us, we need to remember there is an insecure junior high kid in there, just trying to feel comfortable in their own skin.

All work done by Michael Facchini
at Blackhole Tattoo (West) in Beaverton,OR