What must it have been like for those disciples, for those friends of Jesus on Saturday. After a very long, emotional week, their friend, mentor, lord, died a horrible death. They themselves were on the run from impending doom and persecution. Things had gone from bad to so, so much worse. They knew God's promises, but they were seeing such awfulness. Their fears were coming true. It was one bad thing after another. They weren't sitting around waiting for Jesus to come back. They were waiting, to be killed, they were hiding from persecution. They couldn't see the hope in Jesus's promises, all they could see was anxiety, the fear, the waiting for the next bad thing to happen.
That's where I have been. I have been stuck in Saturday for a while now. Let me say, that things haven't been catastrophic, the catastrophe has happened though, in the lives of others, and that too has made my heart heavy, unbearably heavy with worry, fear and doubt. In my own life it has been smaller things, things that come in the midst of great blessing of family and friends but things which when added to the pain of those around me, and the incredible, awful things happening in the world, have me fixed in those holy Saturdays, trapped in fear and worry. One small thing would pass, get repaired, be better, and another would pop up. For the last three years it has gone that way. There have been breaks, amazing rays of sunshine in the midst of the storm, but the storm clouds always seem to be on the horizon. I think what finally sealed the deal was when my own body failed me, and it's all been down hill from there. In the past, Valentine was the one with health issues, the kids got sick, but my body for the most part stayed strong, kept the family going, could work long into the night. Then a couple pebbles in my kidney forced me into two surgeries and two months of procedures and pain. I know, in the face of cancer, altheizmers, etc, what I went through wasn't a big deal, but it was a big dose of reality. My body couldn't keep things going. Then my house couldn't keep us safe, no amount of money could come to take care of everything, every debt, every bill, because there was always another around the corner, another water leak, another big repair. And Valentine, just seemed to have one big struggle with anxiety and depression after another. I realize how ridiculously first world all of my problems are. My kidneys failed me because I didn't drink the abundance of clean water, literally bursting in my house. My house was built by careless workers, but I have a house. My husband struggles with illness, but I have a husband that loves me, and access to medical care. The privilege I have is not taken for granted, but things just kept coming, and that was after two years of other bad things. the anxiety of it all became a constant, the fear ingrained in everything. What was going to happen next, how bad would it be?
And I just kept expecting them. I could almost predict the next one. It was as if a fear would materialize in my head and then manifest itself in the world. I did manage to enjoy some of the good around me. I could see the beauty in the trees as the seasons changed, see the smiles on my kids faces, take pride in the people they were becoming. I couldn't, however, expect those things. I couldn't anticipate them. I quit looking for the good, expecting the awesome. Instead I anticipated the next disaster. In my job it's hard to live in the now, there is always another big event, big project that has to be worked on, now. I have to get in front of the next month, and so I started trying to get in front of the next disaster. I worried my way into plans and anticipation, and worst case scenarios.
The disciples story didn't end on Saturday though, and neither does mine. Easter has come, Jesus has risen. He conquered the worst for all of us. He gave his life, and because he was more than just a man, he blew through death. He is alive. We can hope, we can anticipate the good. Good will come, it already has.
Yesterday I had the responsibility of the children's lesson in the worship service. In the midst of the flowers and the songs of "He Is Risen", I backed it up a little. With three extra large nesting plastic Easter eggs, I reminded them that the egg has to be broken to get to the good inside. We opened the first egg, and inside was a cross, we remembered the scary death. In the next egg, there were tissues, we remembered the sadness of Jesus friends on Saturday. We talked about how life is lonely and scary and sad sometimes. Then we opened the last egg, and it was empty, like Jesus' tomb. It was empty, but now it could be filled with candy and good things. There was brokenness, there was sadness, but then there was life, and happiness. Life is scary, and sad and lonely, but it's also beautiful and good, and full of wonder.
I want to hold up my empty egg and wait expectantly with anticipation for good things. I want to be filled with the excitement and wonder of a kid waiting for an Easter basket. I want to start living like that again. I want to live in eager anticipation of the amazing things God will do, and not live waiting for more things to break, more to go bad. I'm not stupid, or deceived by some prosperity gospel message. I know bad things will still happen, but I am going to quit anticipating them. It doesn't help. Jesus said what difference does worrying about tomorrow make. So I am going to try, so hard to look forward, to look and hope and anticipate the best. Because that, that could help. I'm going to dream, and wonder. I am going to revel in the miracles around me everyday, and wait for more, or at least I'm going to try.
We sang all weekend about the chains being gone, death being conquered, hope and freedom being restored. I want to live on Sunday, I want to live in a resurrected life, out of the ashes of anxiety and into the hope and joy of love, life and grace. What chains do you need to throw off? What fears need to die to hope in your life? Will you join me in this resurrection life?