Maybe a little EW isn't so bad with your Yule

 I had to explain this concept  of the virgin birth to a seventh grade boy last week. It's hard to put into words the what and the why, and of course his response was "EW", just like Jimmy Fallon's Tonight Show character, Sarah. Who could blame him, it is weird and gross this concept of Spirit pregnancy and a barn birth. It is awful, really when we stop and contemplate the details, yet it's result was something so beautiful, so miraculous, so life changing. We want things in our lives, to be so orderly, comfortable and hassle free, yet reality is, life is far from those things, our holidays are far from those things. It's in the midst of the yuck though, that God shines through the brightest. He can take even the most broken of situations and fix it in fantastic ways, all be it with some EW along the way.

There was a lot of EW for Mary. So much EW. She ran the risk of being stoned, rejected, having to turn to begging or prostitution to support herself and her baby, when she signed on for this. Her response though was, let it be so. God delivered her from that fate, and Joseph married her, but her EW times were not over, she had to deliver in the midst of animals and poop. This was God's favored woman! Yet she had to endure hardship, shame, loss of the life she probably dreamed of and all so she could deliver in a barn. How is this possible? Because of her faithfulness, because of her willingness to trust that God could bring her through the brokenness, we have Jesus.

Our God who loves us unconditionally, who shed heaven for the hurts of earth, so he could be here for us, came from EW. He came from EW, so he could take our EW and turn it into something more beautiful, more lovely than we ever thought possible.

We read that Mary treasured that birth experience and the first visitors in her heart. Did she at times, probably wish that it hadn't happened that way. I would bet so. Yet she was able to treasure some of the outcomes in her heart. God's amazing Christmas love of baby Jesus is redemptive, it takes the EW and makes it awesome.

As we tread through our own baby adventure with surrogacy, there is a lot of EW. The family we are serving has walked through an ugly road of cancer and loss. They have endured more than good people ever should have to. In small ways, it's EW for us too and it's just beginning. There are shots, and medications and tests, and there will be lots more grossness down the road. Yet, there is something so cool happening, as our two families combine, hopefully a baby will grow, but a friendship is already growing. Our family is already extending, even though my belly is not yet. Yes, we would rather the mother, get to nurture her baby to birth, but even in the midst of that loss, something good is coming. God is turning EW into opportunity, as only he can.

Often we want our Christmas season to be perfect, tidy and lovely, but always there is EW. It's okay, EW happens, but God is all over it. He takes the EW, and through it he changes us, he changes the world. After all, what's more EW than childbirth in a barn, but that turned out pretty good for me and you! Hopefully we can see, the nativity in the midst of EW , and have some peace, that as awful as it may be, it can be an opportunity for redemption, miracles and mischief even, that we never saw coming. It may not lessen the loss or the pain, but maybe it can bring anticipation instead of anxiety and hope instead of despair.

Here is Mary's amazing response, pre barn birth, but probably before she knew her life would be spared and Joseph would marry her in her knocked up state:

Luke 1:46-55The Message (MSG)

46-55 And Mary said,

I’m bursting with God-news;
    I’m dancing the song of my Savior God.
God took one good look at me, and look what happened—
    I’m the most fortunate woman on earth!
What God has done for me will never be forgotten,
    the God whose very name is holy, set apart from all others.
His mercy flows in wave after wave
    on those who are in awe before him.
He bared his arm and showed his strength,
    scattered the bluffing braggarts.
He knocked tyrants off their high horses,
    pulled victims out of the mud.
The starving poor sat down to a banquet;
    the callous rich were left out in the cold.
He embraced his chosen child, Israel;
    he remembered and piled on the mercies, piled them high.
It’s exactly what he promised,
    beginning with Abraham and right up to now.

May we all be so hopeful, thankful and full of anticipation in the midst of our EW

Why we are getting knocked up

Our family is on a big adventure, and things are getting serious in good ways. We have let people in on this adventure along the way, close friends and people in our community, but we hadn't really told our church. It may seem like something you don't tell, this journey, but Val and I have learned that keeping secrets isn't helpful, it's hurtful. Our church community is different too, they are connected to our family in a way, a normal workplace would not be. As someone that has grown up in a pastor's family and now is a pastor-ish person, I know that my life in some ways is of church public interest. Our church community invests in us, and I have influence over them, I am a figure in their families too. As such, I give over some rights of privacy in this community. Though this adventure is ours, our church family will be along with us on the journey, watching the changes take hold of me, and unlike other pregnancies in our community, they won't get to gold this baby when it's over. So it was decided that we needed to tell them about this journey and invite them into it, to pray for all of us. I am not normally nervous about sharing anything with our church family, but this had me quaking in my boots. Here is what I shared on Sunday: 

Our family is starting a new adventure it won’t take us away from you, but we would appreciate your prayers. I am now officially a gestational surrogate for a family in Seattle. I am not currently carrying their child, but we are in the process and on track to do that.

This isn’t something we have taken lightly, we have been thinking about it, talking and praying about it for over a year now, and we are working with a very reputable agency and some of the top reproductive doctors in the country.

This decision comes after years of watching friends struggle with infertility, with one friend asking and not needing me to carry. I joked that the compensation we will receive for pain and suffering is my Dave Ramsey get out of debt faster pizza delivery job. Honestly though the more I considered this, the more I realized I was uniquely suited to do it. I am healthy, have always been drug and smoke free, and had two easy pregnancies and deliveries. I also care for students all the time, have very powerful experiences with them and then they grow up and move on, and we have limited contact.  I am not their parent, but I am a part of their lives. I know how to love, and nurture, while not being the parent and let go when I need to.

I will say I was fearful at first and nervous about what would happen to my body, but it was then that I read Jesus words on loving others and going the extra mile. The law in his day said that if a Roman soldier asked a Jew to carry their pack, they had to carry it one mile. Jesus said as his follower, you had to carry it two miles. He demands from us sacrificial love, just as he showed in giving his life for us. I challenge you all the time to give of yourselves and be the hands and feet of Jesus even if it carries you out of your comfort zone. The truth is though that a lot of the stuff we do here together is totally in my comfort zone. So I feel called to do this, to follow Jesus in this way and help this family in a way that I can and in a way that really challenges me.

They are a great family. She battled cancer and it left her unable to carry a child to term. They have one son through surrogacy already and they would love to have another child. They are lovely people raising a great kid, and we are excited to help them have another child that will be raised to be a loving, member of society. We have had so many of our own dreams come true, and now it is a blessing to be able to help them with theirs.

We are excited to see God continue working through this adventure. He has already taught us a lot in the months of testing and evaluation we have gone through to get here. I am going to start medications this week, and more in the beginning of December, and then in early January, will be our first attempt at pregnancy.

I am willing to answer any questions you might have, this is a fascinating process and part of a journey God is taking us on, and as you know I am not shy about sharing those things. The goal is for me to be pregnant, and at some point that will be very obvious, yet a baby won’t come to our church family, which may be confusing for some of our younger members. So I also have a children’s book that very beautifully and simply explains this process for kids, with a kangaroo carrying a baby in it’s pouch for another kangaroo, and I would be happy to share that you with you if your children have questions as well.

We appreciate your prayers and understanding as continue on this journey and we look forward to sharing the joy and anticipation of helping this family with you.

Being a chick really sucks sometimes

I don't live in a country where I am considered property or a transaction. I work in a field where my options are limited due to my gender, but I still have more opportunities than millions of women all around the world. Even in these great circumstances though, it still sucks to be a woman. Today an acquaintance called me sexy,no one else was around, it was not a good friend, not my husband, just someone I see from time to time, and it creeped me out. It came with a hug, that involved a hand partially on my butt too, and it left me feeling bad for being creeped out by it.

This is something most women can identify with, and I have been struggling with for a long time. As a young girl I looked anything but young. I was five feet ten inches in middle school with curves in all the right place, as Meghan Trainor says, after I grew out of my skinny twig phase. This made me appear much older and more available to guys. So I dealt with a lot of comments, got groped on the school bus by adolescent boys and even dealt with more than a few dirty old men at church. There were comments about how I was built like a brick sh#t house, how I was sexy, how developed I was, there were hugs that lasted a long time. I was objectified often and so I started thinking of myself that way. There was an older boyfriend who asked a much too young girl if she was ready, and I didn't have the sense or understanding that my body didn't need to be that objectified sexual thing, so I didn't say no. Thankfully, my experiences were tame, I wasn't raped (I did consent), I wasn't molested, but these things were uncomfortable and they weren't things I felt like I could or should speak out about. All of these experiences formed me into this person that had a lot of my identity tied into being that sex object. Later, I learned a lot about who I was and where my value was and thankfully things did not get out of control, I have great parents, a faith that is not shame based and met good guys, so I was able to shed most of that, but not all.

It was hard and still is at 36 to understand what is and is not okay when it comes to comments from guys, and sometimes even the way they touch. Is that hug, where your hand is probably technically not on my back, and a bit on my butt, just a fluke, or an intentional inappropriate touch. Is telling me I am sexy, just your old man unfiltered inappropriateness, or is it really not okay?

You are probably reading this going, "Duh Heather, that's not okay!" But my brain doesn't do that. My brain says that grope on the bus in junior high was not great, but it wasn't that big a deal, and it didn't happen again. And that older boyfriend, that was my fault because even as a fourteen year old, I still should have just said no. These things just happen right? The one that really gets me, really makes me uncomfortable, and feel bad is the older guys. They are sweet and nice, and these comments are only a small part of what they say, right? And their hands slip right? They are just from a different generation, and they don't mean any harm when they say I am sexy. I don't want to hurt their feelings and tell them it makes me feel uncomfortable.

But then my brain says what if it happened to one of my girls, my students, or as someone pointed out, my daughter. Would it be okay? Then my brain says hell no! I would want them to be able to say, hey, that's not okay, and not make excuses. I would want them to have a voice, and feel totally okay using that voice and not worry about hurting someone's feelings.

I don't want my daughter to grow up thinking it's okay for guys that she is not in a relationship with to tell her she is sexy and she has to just accept that. Sexy isn't an okay compliment. Even if it's tossed around in the media and silkscreened on t-shirts. It is a loaded word. I don't want her to feel like someone touching her and it making her uncomfortable can just be swept under the rug. I want her to have the power to say no, to feel like her body is not a sex object and her value is not in any way tied to her sexual attractiveness.

So I am writing an email, I am letting one "sweet" older man aquaintance, know that he cannot call me sexy anymore. It is hard, and I worry about hurting his feelings, but I am not going to let my feelings be messed with just because I have boobs and a butt. If it makes me uncomfortable I can say that.

If I can't stand up in these smaller situations, how can I expect girls to stand up to the big ones?

Why, why is it still like this? Why do we as women have to deal with cat calls and inappropriate comments and just take them as "compliments"? Why do guys feel like they can do that? And why do we feel guilty when we call them on it? It's so messed up.

Why do I have to worry about what I wear and how it affects men? They don't have to worry about me. Why is it still hard to get equal pay as a woman? Why can't I preach or lead in everyone's church? Why does my anatomy define my role in society and the way it can treat me?

We may have it better than most women around the world, but ladies, it still sucks sometimes to be a lady.

I'm actually a jerk

Confession time: it turns out that I am not a very nice person after all. If you know me well, you are probably aware, this isn't a news flash. I suck.There are a lot of reasons why I am not a good person, but the big ones are,I am selfish, judgmental, quick to anger and slow to forgive. Maybe you can relate, or maybe you have somehow reached a higher plane, grown some bigger fruits of the spirit, are closer to Jesus than me. I probably shouldn't admit this as a leader in a church, but I have to be honest, I am a mess and in the worst ways.

Yesterday I got pictures from my sister's wedding across the country. One I wasn't invited to and wouldn't have attended if I was. Both she and my mom texted me pictures from the wedding. I could barely respond. I didn't congratulate her. I rolled my eyes, and got sick to my stomach. Now, I can be a very encouraging person to others, but not my sister. I love writing notes to students, friends, people who have helped me over the years and been a part of my life, and letting them know how much they mean to me, and that their impact is great. I don't write often but when I do, I love to do it. I love to remind people that they are valued and what they do matters.Yet I couldn't type a simple congratulations to my sister on her wedding day. I couldn't, and what good are all the encouragements I give to others if I can't even give words of love to my own sister?

Now there are lots of seemingly good reasons for this. Lots of hurt, lots of mistakes made, things that I don't think have been repented for. Things that aren't going to be remedied soon. On paper it would seem reasonable to feel so yucky about this whole thing. But the paper doesn't matter. It really doesn't matter what she has done, and who am I to assume where she is at with those things and with God. It's what I continue to do, by not letting go of those things, that is really crappy, because I claim to follow Jesus and I teach other people to follow, to love and forgive, so I am held to a higher standard.

Jesus calls us to forgive, to not condemn, to reach out with love even if we think someone is unlovable. Jesus calls us to push outside our comfort zone. I am willing to do that for some people. I am willing to stay up all night so my students can stay up all night. I am willing to carry around small, booger dripping kids, and get sick from their pestilence. I am willing to stretch out my body and make myself sick and tired to birth a stranger's baby. But I can't text my sister. What a hypocrite!

My parents showed amazing grace and love, by attending the wedding. They flew across the country to help serve food, and my dad officiated. They are such amazing examples of Jesus' love, compassion and grace. They display the qualities I should, but can't.

I am the prodigal's brother. I am the pharisee. I am the judgmental Christian I want to distance myself from. I suck. Whether I can make space in my heart for awkward middle schoolers, or strange fetuses, I still can't extend basic kindness to my own flesh and blood. I try, I think I can for a day, and then something reminds me of the pain, of the problems, and I return to my bitterness. When I manage to get past that, all i find is indifference. Not love, but indifference, and that isn't right either.

Thank goodness, God doesn't hold my paper of sins against me. Thank goodness he sees me was worthy of his love. Thank goodness Jesus doesn't look at me like I look at my sister. And hopefully she can forgive me, forgive me for not reaching out to her, forgive me for not taking an interest in this new life of hers, forgive me for hurting her with my indifference and my hypocrisy.

"But there's also this, it's not too late-God's personal message- 'Come back to me and really mean it! Come fasting and weeping, sorry for your sins! Change your life not just your clothes. Come back to God, your God. And here's why: God is kind and merciful. He takes a deep breath,puts up with a lot, This most patient God, extravagant in love, always ready to cancel catastrophe. Who knows? Maybe he'll do it now, maybe he'll turn around and show pity. Maybe when all's said and done, there'll be blessings full and robust for your God." Joel 2:12-14 MSG

Now if I could just see her that way, if I could have the eyes of Jesus, and the thumbs to send that text...

Judgement, humiliation and baring it all

There is a story in the Bible, about a woman caught in adultery being brought to Jesus. A crowd has formed and they are heaping judgement upon this woman, and are quite literally ready to heap stones of judgement upon that woman. To add insult to this injury they bring her to Jesus, using her as a pawn to test him. She must be so broken, so torn, so sad in this moment, so humiliated. Everything is laid out there in public for all to see. Is she worthy?

I can't begin to imagine the depth of awfulness she must be feeling in that moment. Nothing I have ever experienced can compare to that,but right now I am getting a taste. A small taste of what that looks like. Each week a new part of me is laid bare and judged, then this judgement is turned into an official document and given to a group of strangers. Each week a new part of me is deemed worthy, as I sit and wait and wonder if I am. It started just with me, basic me, and then went onto a psychological evaluation, next a home study, where a social worker will look through my house, then a medical exam, where every intimate part of me will be exposed, next a detailed report of my sexual history going all the way back to high school. The next time I see the strangers whose baby I carry, I will be half naked in an exam room. So not nearly as intense as that woman in the story, but pretty in depth.

Her decision led her to that place, and so does mine. Mine isn't really hidden away, and is different for sure, but the results are similar. Judgement. And the more I share my decision, the more it heaps on me. The more criticism I get, the more "words of wisdom" and warnings. The more I hear how hard it will be, and what a risky, crazy decision it is. Yesterday someone even asked me if it was too late to back out of it, and urged me to do so. With each awkward stare, and shift in the conversation I feel it, that judgement. I am grateful though, that it isn't hidden away, I am grateful that it's at least out there. I know that if I get to the point of round belly, it will only get worse. People will ask, and they will judge, and they will make assumptions and form ideas. I get it, I do that too.

I am seeing in a new way though, how hard that is, how unhelpful, unnecessary. No one knows how crazy my decision is better than me. When we got the email saying we had been chosen and that the home visit and attorney meetings needed to be set up, I was hit with a rush of panic and emotion. I began to worry about being tired and sick and the toll it would take on my family. I looked at my body in the mirror and wondered if it would ever be the same again. Every doubt, every regret from every bad decision I had ever made came flooding forward. I judged myself and my decision a thousand times more harshly than anyone else ever could.

So as each new person was told and questioned my decision, told me how sick and tired I would be, how crazy this was, it didn't help, it just made me feel like less of a person and more deserving of any trouble I heaped onto myself. I started thinking about how i would just have to suffer through any negative affects of my decision in silence, because I didn't want them to see that they were right, that I was stupid for doing this. I wondered how as such a vocal person, I could pack it all away, and if I could just keep my mouth shut.

But then this morning I saw this story, and I saw Jesus' response to the woman. He diffused the situation, he sent away her attackers, by showing them their own inadequacies and he showed her love, compassion and freed her to live a new life, with no condemnation. He showed her she is worthy.

Now, I know my situation is different. I know that my decision isn't the same as hers. There is good to my actions, to my choice. Though it will bring pain and struggle to me for a time, and some to my family, it will also bring joy to all of us, and love to a whole new family. That is what my focus needs to be. That is where my head needs to go, to this new life. Jesus sent her off to a new life. That is where his focus was, to who she was and could be.

I need to focus on that. I need others to focus on that part of this journey with me. I don't need to hear the negatives, I don't need the judgement, I have enough of that, and a stack of papers in some file I will never see, but many others have. I am excited about this journey, and I am more than happy to share that with others, to answer questions. This is weird and fascinating and unknown, and  I get that. So ask away, but please, don't tell me how painful, how hard, how tiring it will be. I get that, I have thought that. Don't stare at me with concern or pity. Instead lets think about the great things that can come of this. Think of this new life, that could come. , and when I am tired and sick, reserve judgement, suspend the I told you so, and remind me of the good, because believe me, I will be aware of the bad.

I hope this experience helps me to see people more clearly with the eyes of Jesus. To understand the pain of judgement and condemnation, of the shame we heap on ourselves, and see how badly people need to be loved and encouraged, even if it's their own choices that led them to that place. I hope I understand what it means to help someone be free to see new life, and new possibilities in the midst of pain and humiliation. I hope it makes me slower to speak, slower to anger and quicker to love. The more judged I am, the more I realize  just how much I have judged. I am so grateful that Jesus' love and grace for me, is not equal to what I have shown to others, and I will take more seriously his words that as I have judged so I will be judged, than I have before. I want to see others as worthy first, before I see anything else. If nothing else, comes of this, at least I have that. At least I have a better understanding,at least for a bit.

What's too uncomfortable, too hard when it comes to helping others?

What is a good reason to not do something to help someone else? I mean really, what makes something not do-able. What risk is too big, what discomfort is too much, what fear to insurmountable?

Hundreds of thousands have been willing to dump ice cold water over their heads and post it online to help with ALS. Whether or not it is raising a ton of money or people are actually looking up what ALS is and learning, I like it. I like it because it's forcing people out of their comfort zones to help someone else. Comfort can be stifling. It can make us forget about those around us, and it can make us desire more comfort to continue to be comfortable. So this is great.

I haven't had a chance to respond to my challenge yet, because for the past few days we have been preparing for, and processing, a big step in helping others as a family. We are exploring those questions about what is too much to risk for our own comfort as a family a lot lately, as we get closer and closer to entering into a surrogacy contract. If things continue to work as they have, I will be a gestational carrier for a couple unable to medically carry their own child. In the winter, I will be implanted with an embryo, that is someone else's genetic material and of no relation to us as a family. This will involve a lot of medical appointments, medications, procedures and nine months of all the stuff that goes along with pregnancy. Add to that a birth, the healing after the birth, and the biggest thing, a long term relationship with a family, previously unknown to us. It is something my whole family will be a part of, even if it's happening in my body.

We have thought of and heard a lot of reasons not to do this.

· there is a risk to me

· I could end up on bed rest

· this will make me tired and grumpy thus stressing my family

· my kids will have to deal with pregnant me

· it will be harder this time because I am older

· my body won't come back the way it did before

· it will be hard to let go of the baby

Those are just a few of the reasons that have come from us and well-meaning friends. They are valid points. Those things will happen.

But are they reasons not to do this? Should those things stop us from helping a family's dreams come true? Should we refuse to bring a person into the world that will be loved, and raised by great people to hopefully become a loving person, because I am worried I will get fat, or have stretch marks, or be grumpy?

Maybe they are, but maybe they aren't. Maybe it's time for us to get uncomfortable, to put our fears, and my vanity on the line for someone else. Maybe it's time to get to know a whole new family and through awkward first dates in doctors’ offices, get to know each other and allow our lives to be connected in a very intimate way. Maybe...

I should say it's not without reward. We will get some compensation for our pain and suffering. But I have never been part of helping someone, when there wasn't reward, even if it was just a knowing you helped. There is always some kind of reward, and there is always some kind of sacrifice.

Right now we sit in discomfort, wondering if after meeting us, this family will choose our family to do this for them. Are you good enough, can they trust us enough to carry this precious life, and care for it, before they can? Will we experience rejection in the next few days, will we not be chosen? It's uncomfortable, it's a risk, and it’s awkward and could be painful. Again, though was that reason enough not to try, not to but ourselves out there, not to make ourselves available?

I don't know. And maybe I am horribly naive to think this way, caught up in the emotions and possibilities of it all. I just can't turn off the voice that says we should try. That prompting from my studies of scripture and Jesus that says if you can do for someone, you should, even if it means giving up part of yourself.

the last time my body housed a baby, the outcome was pretty awesome!

lies, lies, everywhere the lies, blocking out the scenery...

My heart is broken today and my stomach in knots, like so many, as we mourn yet another death to mental illness, another person that seemed to have it all, and seemed so happy to those on the outside. Another family left grieving and heart broken, alone, with thoughts of the overwhelming sadness that this loved one felt, and the despair and loneliness that filled their last moments. I have sat with those families. I have loved those friends, and I live with the threat of mental illness. Everytime my husband who suffers with major depression fails to return a text for too long, or comes home too late, I see those families. I wonder if the faces of those children will match the faces of my own kids. I worry about how much despair he might be feeling, what he might be doing. I worry that his body might succumb to the very real disease, that threatens him. Like those that have recently passed from mental illness, people look at my husband, and have no idea the torture he lives through. He is so fun, so creative, he lights up a room. His art has inspired and brought joy to many. They don't know the depth of pain that fuels that creativity. They don't know how his mind lies to him over and over again, telling him he is worthless, and the world is better off without him. They don't know the chemistry in his brain that makes it impossible sometimes to turn those negative thoughts off. They don't understand how the lies crowd his brain, and make rational thought a struggle.

Those of us who are lucky enough not to have our brain biology be out of whack, only experience a piece of the anguish. We hear the lies all the time from our own minds and from the advertising and culture around us. We don't have everything, everything we do have can be better. We aren't successful enough, we don't have enough followers, no one cares, for us, no one knows who we are, we aren't making a difference, what we do doesn't matter. Those thoughts gnaw at the back of our minds, threatening to take over, and sometimes they do. Sometimes. Sometimes we can't be satisfied, we see what others have and we feel like we have failed, for not having the same. We wonder where we went wrong. We give into those lies, and we get depressed. But soon enough, we are reminded of our blessings, we are encouraged, we are pulled out of our self pity, our anxiety, our failures and reminded of our successes. We see the truth, that our lives our good, what we do does make a difference and we are loved. And that is enough, at least for a little while to keep the lies at bay. We are the lucky ones. 

For those that suffer with major depression, it's not so easy. The lies crowd out the truth, they are relentless and unforgiving. They overcome, and they sap what little strength they have left. Just as cancer eats away at the body, the lies of the brain's whacked out chemistry eat away at their souls. They pray, but feel God is not there, or he hates them. They struggle to get out of bed, to walk into work, to make it through a conversation. They try to find joy in others, but just end up feeling irritated with them and even more upset with themselves. They hurt the ones closest to them, and believe a lie that says they need to distance themselves, and spare their loved ones more pain. Everything turns into another lie, another awful feeling and it compounds, until the only joy they can find, is in putting it all to rest, and removing themselves, unburdening others even from the pain they might cause by continuing to live. The lies overtake them, they block out any possibility of truth. 

It seems too hopeless and helpless. So what can we do? In the wake of one tragedy after the other a young mother and a gifted artist, how do we move forward and try and prevent more? I wish there was a simple answer. How do you combat the lies in someone's head, or in your own? 

I think, and i am by no means an expert, part of the answer lies in some simple things. I think it starts with all of us suspending our judgement of others and ourselves. Quit measuring our value and their value on the have and have not, the did and did not, and find the beauty in everyone. Celebrate and encourage the people around you. Even if they look like they have it all together, I think we have seen, that often they do not, they may be hurting too. The Bible is pretty great at giving wisdom on how we should interact with others and it says, "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful to others to build them up according to their needs." Ephesians 4:29. I think sometimes we need our own inner monologue to follow this advice, as well as what we say to others. We need to quit beating ourselves up and focus on being an encouragement to others. We need to remind those we love, just how much we appreciate and love them. When we start believing the lies around us, we need to call ourselves on it, and then remember that someone else is probably struggling with the same thing, and reach out with encouragement. With social media we have all of our friends literally at our fingertips, it only takes a minute to reach out and message someone, and let them know how much you value them, and love them. You can build them up, even if it's just a little bit, you have no idea the impact it might have. 

If someone tells us they are struggling with mental illness of any form we need to be very liberal with our listening and compassion. It may not make any sense to us, what they are doing, or how these things are manifesting in their lives, but we need to understand that it is hard for them and they are trying their best to live "normally". Encourage them to share the lies they are hearing, and don't necessarily jump in with the truth, listen first. Try and understand where they are coming from, the battles they are struggling through. Encourage them not to hide those things or feel ashamed, but let them out. We all have something we struggle with, and there is no shame in that, that's reality. So let's be open about those struggles. Hiding those things is very dangerous. 

We need to have compassion, and we also really need to support them in getting help. We can't just offer to pray it away, we need to help connect them with counseling, we need to support them if they need to use medication. We need to help them see that self medicating is not the way to go, and that seeking professional help is not a sign of spiritual, physical or mental weakness, it's a strength. We need to compassionately hold them accountable in that process too, making sure they are following through, finding ways to be an encouragement. Unlike with other physical illnesses they have a lot of responsibility for choosing to continue treatment and choosing to make healthy choices, but like cancer, sometimes treatment is not enough. So we need to be there to bring encouragement, accountability and love as they get the help they need. 

We who are battling the littler lies, need to make it easier for those in a death match with the big ones. We need to make the world a safer place to express the pain of their illness. A place where talking about mental illness is as safe as talking about your sore throat. Where you can share your real feelings, doubts and insecurities, and not have to worry that you look like less of a person. We need to make treatment for mental illness as normal and noble as treatment for cancer or diabetes. Those things are awful, but we often, look at people battling through them and think, how strong, how brave, and we readily hand out encouragement (or at least I hope we do). So why can't we do the same for those people who struggle to go to therapy, who take medications for mental illness? 

We can't save them, but we can help. Let's all do our best to clear away the lies...